Understanding Why You Take Responsibility for the Behavior of Others in Relationships
When you look back at the relationships of your life, has there been a time during those relationships that you questioned yourself “why did that happen to me?” or “was it my fault?” Whether the relationship is romantic, friendly, or family-oriented, many people who find themselves in ill-fated situations internalize the “bad” behavior of others and make it personal. Throughout your life, you will form bonds with people that will bring out the best parts of yourself and be the catalyst for self-discovery and growth. However, there will also be times that you find yourself bound to a person that treats you poorly, speaks to you inappropriately, and lacks basic respect for who you are and the necessary boundaries that you have laid. While on the outside looking in, it can be easy to identify that the behavior of the other person is the problem and while you aren’t totally absolved of any wrongdoing, it can be incredibly clear where the issues lie. However, when you’re in the thick of a relationship that has turned toxic, there is a point where you start to take responsibility for why a person is acting the way they are.
Much like the child of divorced parents that feel like they are the cause for their family breaking apart, you may experience this sense of personal responsibility when it comes to grappling with difficult emotions — similar to a little adult that takes over the function of trying to repair a broken family. These compensatory behaviors of becoming overly responsible only serve to reinforce the belief that you were responsible for the loss of the family structure.
You may bring this same sense of responsibility and expectation to other relationships. If your spouse cheats on you, it can be easy to fall down the rabbit hole of wondering why you aren’t good enough to hold that person’s attention, respect, or love. If your friend continuously ditches you, it can be tempting to feel like their lack of respect for your time is your fault and you are the sole reason behind it. However, the truth is that the person that is behaving badly should be held accountable for their actions as they are the primary reason why they are the way they are. If your spouse is cheating on you, it’s maybe true that they may be unhappy, searching for a sense of fulfillment or feel mistreated in the relationship. However, they have chosen to cheat instead of leave or address the situation directly with you because that is what they chose to do. It has nothing to do with you as a person, and another person’s actions do not dictate what you deserve.
A lot of times, we feel like we are the cause behind another person’s bad behavior because it can be difficult to conceptualize why else a person would treat you badly. If you push a door, it will open — simple cause and effect. In a relationship, it’s easy to want to apply this same black and white logic to complex human relationships, even though this type of logic is flawed.
When you take responsibility for another person’s feelings, actions, or bad behavior, you are putting your self-worth and self-love at a deficit. This type of responsibility only gets in the way of your own emotional development. It is not possible to shoulder the blame for why a person mistreats you and also achieve any sense of worthiness. The more you take on another person’s poor decisions as your burden, the harder it’ll be to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you truly love the person looking back at you.
